Hang on folks it looks like we're heading into another dark patch.

Sometimes I look at my life and I think yes, I can manage this, I can get through this. Other times like today, I just feel tired. And strained.

What if I just run away? What if I just dissappear? Who would notice and who would care? I'm sorry to offend but none of this makes any f**king sense. I just can't seem to get this right and I am tired of trying. Today I cleared out my bank account to pay my rent and I'm still short. I don't know what to do. I've already got another job but I don't get paid for a few days. All the money I have in the world is in my wallet - and its not much. I want to blame God but I know that God has nothing to do with this. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa - I have no one to blame but me. It is entirely my fault that I am here. Will the Lord help me anyway? How can I even stand before Him covered in all this...shame and guilt. I have been stupid. Greedy. And utterly selfish.

I have no one to talk to, no one to show weakness to. I just have to grin and bear it, right? But I'm so confused! I don't know where to run to now. Where can I hide from all this aggrevation?

I really believe in some of the work I'm doing voluntarily, but if I can't even get food on my table (literally) at the end of the day, is it worth it? I've sacrificed so much over the last year and I still can't get anyone to believe in me or support me. Banging on doors, making phone calls, attending meetings - none of it matters if I have nowhere to sleep at the end of the day (almost literally as I can barely make my rent), and nothing to line my stomach. And on top of that I am flat broke. I want to quit. I want to walk away from it all, find a rich man, get hitched and be a kept woman.

Maybe its the hunger talking. If all this is meant to build character, I must have a really well built character.

But enough. Complaining does nothing. I'm sorry you had to witness that bout of self depreciation. I just needed to vent a little. I'm feeling a little lost.

Are you a Christmas tree? That to me is one of the more bizzarre questions that you are never likely to hear. Much like the spirit of this post - one of the bizzare moments of utter desparation you are unlikely to hear from me.

I'm back in Birmingham, getting ready for my second year of uni. Can you believe its already been a year that we've been at this? I can't. I'm suffering a few of those "new academic year" jitters and a little nervous because this one really counts.

I have had an interesting year, sometimes I got much more than I bargained for sometimes less. I've cried a lot more over the last year than in the other 20 combined, and experienced loneliness and boredom. But I've also learnt a lot of interesting things about myself. I've met so many new people from all over the world - England, Scotland, Wales, France, Malaysia, China, India, Pakistan, Canada, USA, The Czech republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Greece, Mexico, The Netherlands, Germany, Belgium, Poland, Zambia, Uganda, Tanzania, South Africa, Columbia, Japan...and a part of me feels like its only just beginning.

Its been an amazing year, and a particularly wild summer. Things are still a little outta whack - I'm in an unbelievable amount of debt that I need to resolve yesterday, and I'm having some second and third thoughts about my commitment to AIESEC. I know it seems ironic considering the amazing opportunity that they have just given me, and the time I had in the Czech republic but...I just don't know what there is left to do, that I can realistically do. I have to focus on my degree- my family is making many sacrifices for me to be here, so my degree comes first. Like I said, this year really counts - this is the one in which I start working on my dissertation, as well as another 5000 word essay for my African studies course.

And a part of me wonders what there is left to do. I've worked so hard on a project for them over the last year, but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and I should just walk away from it all. The support network is hardly amazing - right now there is almost no one in the country network that I can talk to about the way I feel. And I'm tired. I just want to walk away from it at the mo, but a part of me doesn't want to. AIESEC has given me so much over the last year, friends, opportunities to learn and grow, a chance to discover what I am capable of doing.

But I'm emotionally and psychologically exhausted. Its just not fun anymore. And for me that is usually a sign that its time to move on.

I dunno.

I, Mluhya Uprooted, being of sound body and mind

1. Recognising that I have some serious financial management issues
2. Accepting that my greed is a great contributor towards my financial malease
3. Understanding that financial responsibility is an integral part of maturity
4. Appreciating that some sacrifices must be made in order to secure my financial stability and self reliance

hereby undertake to do the following
a) Make a closer record of all my income and expenditure
b) make a weekly and monthly budget and stick to it
c) Avoid spending money that I don't have
d) Avoid spending money on things that I don't need or can live without for a few more months or even years
e) Clear all my outstanding debt by the end of this calendar year (December 31st)
f) Commit the next week to raising at least £250 to ease the debt burden
g) To stop carrying my credit card in my wallet
h) To destroy/ cancel my credit card as soon as I have completed the payments on it

I invite all the (four) readers of this blog to act as my witnessess. (Because I have had enough of living my life with this weight hanging over me.)

Signed

Mluhya Uprooted.

(P.S. I arrived home safe and sound at 1 a.m. this (Monday) morning. Had some drama at the airport - I was over my baggage limit, but what woman isn't?- but worse than that I got my credit card bill, rent bill and bank statement. In short....OUUUCHH!! I'll be working three jobs for a while to pay this off. But I still don't regret going to the Czech republic, not for one moment).

Firstly thank you all for your messages of concern regarding my illness. I've discovered the problem. In the Czech republic, most dried fruits and veg, that make excellent snacks for trips across the country of which I am fond of, are preserved in sulphur. The trouble is I am violently allergic to sulphur. No one thought to mention this until about two days ago and then it all made sense. The itchy skin and pain in the sides and swelling are all symptoms of the reaction - thankfully it was discovered before I made myself really sick and suffered some kind of organ failure. Long story short - I'm fine now.

I'm going home in a few hours. To be honest I'm really looking forward to it. There have been some substantial cultural differences with my hosts and I just want to be in my own space. Sharing a flat with 10 people of different sexes can be a trial for any period of time - after 6 weeks its just a horrible nightmare. And I don't appreciate the way we got home last night and there was no one there to meet us. We almost slept at a hotel because it was casually overlooked that we had no keys to the flat - even though when we asked they said no, its fine, someone will be here when you get back.

But on the whole its been a good trip. I saw myself in a way that i never have before. For one, my hair was out in all its afro glory. No extensions, no straightening, no nothing. Just raw kinky hair. And you know what, it didn't matter! It didn't matter at all - the world as we know it didn't fall apart. I'm thinking maybe this is what I do from here on out- the au naturel look. I saw some of my strengths but I also came face to face with some of my ugliness. I can be very judgemental. I can be selfish. I can be short tempered, even spoilt. I can be rude. It hurts me to admit this to myself (let alone to the four people who read this blog) but I think its great that I've learnt it because now I can do something about it.

The Czech republic has some issues with racism, but for once it ain't the black folk being victimised. Romani gypsies are constantly excluded and judged simply based on the colour of their skin and thier history of social inadaptability. They are referred to as "they" or "them" even in casual conversation. There are almost none at the University where I'm based, and none of my hosts have any as friends.

Finally, I got as close as I am ever bound to get to being Caucasian or the feeling that Caucasian people get when they visit countries in the South. I was a minority, and because of my slight British accent, people assumed I have money. The result is I was an almost economically dominant minority. I got prefferential treatment in some places and sometimes even deferential treatment. But I was also expected to pay more for goods in the markets because people assumed I have money (and y'all know I don't).

Did I enjoy it? Honestly, sometimes I did. But more often than not I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted people to ignore me and leave me alone. I was frightened by the street children who were begging me for money rather aggressively. I hated it when people on the tram stared or children pointed.

Is that what it feels like for tourists who come to rural parts of Kenya? Like you just walked into an exhibition and you are the centre piece?

Living and learning. And tommorow, back to the daily grind.

Wow, the flip side of travelling is that it really does some damage to your system. I've traversed the ends of the Czech republic and seen some amazing things but my health is starting to suffer.

I've had a cold and dragged it two and a half hours by train from Brno to Humpolec. There I kept it out late at night for two nights in a row, in the cold and sometimes in the rain. I shouted with it, I even tried to dance and I kinda starved it out. The result - exhaustion and a compromised immune system. The result of that - allergies. My skin has flared up dramatically over the last two days, and I didn't even sleep last night because I was up scratching. My left eye was nearly swollen shut when I got up and I seriously looked like quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I took some antihistamines reluctantly - I have some bad medical allergies, some medicines do some serious damage to my skin and kidneys - but it seems to have helped. I feel fine now.

Thing is my mom has excema all the time. And she is always trying to tell me how bad it is and how the urge to itch drives her crazy. I usually don't know what to say to that. But the last two days I've come to the realisation that I have been extremely insensitive, and until you know what it feels like to stay up all night fighting the urge to itch and losing the battle. I owe my mother and apology and a big hug. And an I love you because you are my hero. To raise four kids on your own while fighting such a dibilitating condition is beyond heroic. Its amazing.

I love you Ma.