Its been a while. I confess that it has mostly been my fault due to my own inability to allocate enough time for the things that matter to me. I've not really been as busy as I have been in previous months so ideally I should hve no excuses...I guess blogging just became less of a priority particularly after I realised that no one reads my blog!! Ha ha ha...

Anyway, on the off chance that someone out there is reading this..

The end is nigh..first term of final year is almost over, coursework submitted just waiting for that joyous moment when I can safely declare - I'm free. I've been in a bit of a quandary actually. On the one hand I want to go into uni and get my masters degree but on the other hand I also know that if I don't get some work experience now I will be too overqualified to get it later. And I want to learn another language as well so it would be good to do that now in a safe environment. Hmm..right now I'm just playing it by ear, taking it one day at a time. I never realised until now just how passive I have become towards life. When I was in school I always knew what I wanted and what I wanted to do to get it but now I'm just sort of trying to figure it all out, you know? Its more like I'm waiting for things to happen and then reacting to that as opposed to going out there and actually making things happen. A part of me must still be stinging after the whole KCSE fiasco - how can I dare to want something when the prospects for disappointment are so high?

I dont know. I really dont but I suppose we'll find out soon enough. Life is alright other wise. Just chilling taking it one day at a time.

I think I have SADS. I think that this country's stoopid winters make me blue and I hate it. I'm so blue right now..:-( Why? I am writing my dissertation. I LOVE my topic. No, you don't get it I absolutely ADORE my topic. For me its interesting, its exciting and its just, wow. Everything I thought I wanted out of uni. Why should that make me sad? I can't find a single soul out there who cares about this stuff as much as I do. Or at least the way that I do. Its frustrating for me because its only enhancing the feeling of isolation that I already have. I'm frustrated by this sense of aloneness and I am frustrated by how I'm feeling about the people around me. I wish I had friends who had opinions. That sounds like a really horrid and mean thing to say but its how I feel. I don't want people to back down at everything I say, I don't want people to accept my views just because I feel strongly about them. I would like to be challenged so that I can challenge myself and be compelled to dig deeper into my chosen subject. Arrgh!! Why are English people so dumb? I'll tell you why. Its all that Alchohol. Its fried up their brain cells and now theres only one solitary neurone working hard against all odds to sustain all normal funcitons as well as some semblance of humanity.

And I'm starting to freak about my finals. I just want to do well soo soo badly but...I'm worried that I won't be able to do it. I need 3 firsts in 3 modules to secure that first. one in IPe one in War Torn States and Post Conflict Reconstruction in the South and an ace dissertation should do it. But man..Both those modules have exams and really, REALLy substantial papers to write. Its like I'm writing four dissertations.

My AIESEC life is in tatters. I'm so frustrated with AIESEC UK. REALLY REALLY frustrated. They are suffering from a massive single neurone condition and its just...arrgh!! And now they've roped me into doing a job that no one else wants to do. Juuust fantastic. Juuust fantastic.

I have no friends, my family is far away. My hair looks awful, my skin is being destroyed by this central heating, I hate one of my lectures and ah.

But I guess I still have You, Jesus. And that makes it all seem...doable.

I am officially stuck in Ghana. Can't go forward and cant go back. What a mess. Im trying to do what is best for every one but flights out of West Africa are so expensive and I cant really afford to stay here because its costing me more money. But STA travel have almost completely refused to take my calls and there is not a single ATM in the whole region - almost 17 countries- that will allow me to use my master card or my maestro card. What a f**king mess. I suppose in part it is my fault but what was I supposed to do? I cant go back to work for a man who has the audacity to hit a woman that he does not know and does not even have the guts to apologise for it? Yep thats right. The boss at the NGO where I was supposed to be working for the summer started up a fist fight with me. I fought back - I would not go down quietly. Anyway, now Im stuck in Ghana where there are no hotels and there are no flights out that cost less than one thousand dollars, which of course I just don't have. And I cant go travellin because that costs money and I just don't have any money. What a big stinky mess.

Ah well, its the experience that counts right? If worst comes to worst I will be homeless until the nineteenth of September then that will be okay.

Hey ho one person who reads my blog. I write to you from the motherland..working on my internship in the petite country that is Togo. I want to write more, really I do but these French Keyboards are a hernia waiting to happen and the humidity is driving me bonkers. Complaints aside.. I al in awe of the constant kindness that has been shown to me since I came to Togo. Remember how in the Czech Republic we split each and every single bill down to the last penny? Here, I think I am having to force people to take money from me. I cant believe that this is the most generousity Ive been shown since I left Kenya and it is in one of the poorest countries in the world. Its odd but I am eternally gratefull. All is not 100 percent well though, as the people that I am working with have pulled some stunts with my life that do not amuse me. I may not be able to travel as much as I wanted to which is quite disheartening as I really wanted a chance to spread my wings a little;

Ah well, such is life.

Hey ho neighbours

I'm so sorry about the hiatus. Its been manic. My life fell apart, came back together, ripped at the seams, was stitched back in place and is now existing in a state of peril. Living is exhausting. Its like constant constant exercise. Except its not exercise and the worst thing is that you continue to eat and eat in a world that tells you to constantly watch your weight.

Where to begin...

I'm finished with my second year. So that's one step closer. After a particularly intense year, I rather unceremoniously quit my job. But it doesn't feel like a burden. It feels like a great big sigh of relief. Don't you worry about me, I always land on my feet. Well more like I get by with a little help from my friends (read mom). I'm now galavanting across the seas and countries trying to rustle up some hard earned cash for this years placement.

Which brings me to the next point...

I've had a peek into my potential future and I'm not sure I like what I see. You know how I've always been committed to being myself. Not to blow my own trumpet, but I'm a confident, intelligent, strong woman (toot toot). Its not all me - I rely greatly on my faith to get me through. But I've always been committed to being myself and living my life true to the values that I believe in - be yourself.

Well being myself isn't getting me far in some aspects of my life. I can't help but wonder what good success is if you have no one to share it with? What good is it doing the things you want to do if there's no one to stand by you and say, well done? See I see this woman I'm staying with temporarily and I think, wow. Great home. Great Car. Exciting job. She does whatever she wants whenever she wants to. But she comes home at the end of the day to a dog. I don't like dogs. Or cats. The only animals I can stand are rabbits and snakes (the irony is not lost on me).

So I look at her and I think what stands between me ending up like that? A couple of years. Just a couple of years. One or two right or wrong choices and I'm putting out water for my rabbit or cat and cosying up in bed to watch tele till I get tired and knock off.

I don't want to end up like that. Unto each his own but I don't want that to be me. I'd like to have someone to share my life with. But why should I even hope? I'm twenty two years old and I can't even get a guy to look twice in my direction - unless I have something ridiculous in my hair, or they're looking at my mismatched clothes. :-)

Er...