Hi...can't stop...must write essay...uber busy...still alive...barely...happier...better adjusted...still in the red though but hey, you can't have it all.

Happy new month...

Be good!!

Its not easy being a black woman. There is so much stigma and stereotype out there that you have to fight against. I must either be neck popping, finger snapping and smart mouthed (think of all the black movies you've watched), arrogant and high and mighty (Condoleeza) or some kind of matronly figure. People find it difficult to swallow a black woman, who is proud of being that, and still listens to classical music as well as John Legend, enjoy the ballet as well as street dance, and singing Black spirituals as much as the classics. I'm a lot for people to take in, especially if we are speaking on the phone and then I drop it into the conversation. They just sort of go..."huh?"

Anyway, the purpose of this post was not to rant about that, but about the fact that in addition to all those challenges as a black woman I suffer a curse. The curse of the inflated bottom. yes people I have a big butt. I am not ashamed of it - in fact I rather like it, it gives an illusion of curves and makes sitting almost anywhere pretty easy - its comfortable. The problem is the clothes in the shops here are designed for women who don't have big butts, so I have been reduced to wearing jeans with holes in them because I couldn't find a single pair that fitted my long legs, skinny waist and big bum. It was so frustrating, to now I've been forced to abandon denim, even though I've practically lived in denim for the last 3 or 4 years. AARRGGH!

I could go on and on but I wouldn't want to overwhelm you. That and also that I'm on the tail end of a really nasty bug that has taken over this city. Thursday was HELL. My face was all puffy and swollen, my eyes were watering, my nose was blocked and my muscles were all shaking uncontrollably. Plus I had a fever and a sore throat - it was so awful and my boss STILL made me work because we were in the midst of monthly inspections. How annoying is that?

Anyway, y'all be good and take care of yourself. Here's and inspirational quote for you, "And you, how will history judge you? What will be your legacy?" Its not really inspiring but it keeps me going and doing right.

Be good!

What is the opposite of the blues? It was my birthday on Wednesday, and even though I am still a bit down from all the stuff going on in and around my life, I had a really fantastic day with two of my new friends so, I'm not really blue...I think the opposite of blue is yellow. SO I have the birthday yellows.

I managed to get some really good concession seats to see Cirque Du Soleil at the Royal Albert Hall in London. The total day cost a fraction of what it cost my pal Alicia to see "o", their show in Las Vegas which was fantastic. Laura('s mom) threw lunch (Nairobi Slang for paid for something) so we went to a rather posh Japanese restaurant called Wagamama. (Strange word- it implies grab a mama and wag 'er! I thought this all day, and I almost descended into more "mung" madness!!)

The show we saw is called Alegria and it lived up to its billing - lots of gravity defying and three feet leaps into the air. The clowns were hilarious, and the music was super!

It was flagrant escapism. I used that day to run away from all the trouble in my life, but it was alright, because I came back a little refreshed and a little less stressed. I have a whole lot to do and a lot of negotiating with different parts of the departments of this University still to come. But I am 21 now...and the day of freedom and London (I love that city - I always feel at home in London) was worth every minute.

I got an extension on my rent payments. Luckily, the law in my country was changed so that there are restrictions on money being sent out, which means that I have more time to raise the rent deficit that I incurred last month. I am still working hard to raise the obscene amount of money they are asking of me but I just need to make it through this year and then I'm out of halls!

So it was a good day, Wednesday, and hopefully things will get better and better from here on. God Willing.

Be Good!

I don't matter. At least not to the University of Birmingham. I am beginning to genuinely hate this university, and wonder why I came here in the first place. They have disappointed me on so many levels, and they are not in the least apologetic for any of it.

I had three days to make a decision regarding where I would be living in the next year. They told me that university housing was the cheapest option, that the level of service provided was unparalleled and that I would be provided with a student mentor who would look in on me and find out if I was doing alright. Five months on, I have never met my student mentor. Other than four walls and the internet, I get no spectacular service from the university. I pay more than twice the average of the city rents, even for the two months in the summer when I do not plan to be in Birmingham. They refuse to adjust my contract to make provision for that, because they are bound by some bureaucratic (insert expletive here). My finances are a mess, I can't afford to remain at this University without some form of financial aid and I have tried to tell them this but to no avail.

I have complained to all and sundry, I have cried, written emails and letters, ranted and raved, pleaded and begged but they will not budge. I am one of 26,000 - I do not matter. If I disappear, there will be 25,999 others who will have the money to replace me on their computer system. After all, I am just an international student, filling in numbers, a resident cash cow. The worst I can do is go home...no big loss, they still bag my cash whatever happens.

It does not matter that I have gone to the office in tears on three separate occasions. I can't work any harder, I cant do any more than I already am. I am so tired and fed up by all this. I had a house lined up for next year but the people who are living there decided that they wanted to stay there so we lost the house. The girl I was to share the house with is angry at me because I couldn't go house hunting with her - she feels that she is doing all the work and its unfair. How do I tell her that this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, that everyday has been a struggle to maintain a firm grasp on my sanity and peace of mind. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith - I walk down the streets praying and talking to God, asking him to look on me with eyes of pity.

Meanwhile my mind is shutting down. British students are lazy and about as intellectually stimulating as a thumbtack. I don't drink or go clubbing, and I practice abstinence so I have almost no British friends because those are the things that define the British student experience. I haven't had a stimulating conversation with an actual British person since I got here; all my friends are international students who are sometimes as appalled as I am at just how shallow the British students can be.

Anger and rage seep through every facet of me. I want it to stop. It weighs down on me and its sucking the joy out of my soul. I am a shadow of the person I used to be, and I miss her so much. I can't go back and they will not let me move forward...

Surely there must be more to life! Is struggling and suffering, trying and failing, being ignored the way of life? I want to be somewhere else! I want to run away and hide somewhere! I just want to feel safe and know that its going to be better. I want to sing again, and dance and worship the way I used to - from that place deep inside where all the good things come from. I want to be free of all this (insert expletive here). I want to think and reason and argue and debate and all those good things that come from actually having an opinion and caring about people and issues. I want to laugh and smile and...aargh

Oh Lord, did you bring me all the way out into the desert to watch me die? How long will you let your humble servant suffer, and my enemies to laugh over me? Save me in your great mercy!

My first morning post... its morning here anyway. I still have my mobile phone on "censorship". I am not taking anonymous calls anymore because there is an 85% chance that the person on the other side is waiting to yell at me.

I got back some of the essays I wrote last term. 2 Upper seconds and one lower second. Not bad until you factor in that I had my name in the paper for national exam rankings before I left. My grades are just not up to scratch, at least not the way I want them to be. They tell me that I've probably been marked down, because I am a first year and they don't want me to do too well. I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed, and I am beginning to wonder if I can do the whole working, studying, society thing. I am seriously considering tossing it all aside and running away to a small island, where everybody knows everyones name and you can drink coconut juice while sitting under the shade of an old palm tree...

Yeah, delusions of escape have become a source of comfort for me. I'm just disappointed because I really worked hard and I would have liked my essays to reflect that but I guess you can't have it all right? I also have this weird sensation that nothing is real anymore, like one day the rug with be pulled from under all this, and nothing will matter any more...Probably just the weather.

Anyway, I am still here. Bent but not broken, tired but not finished, "pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed..." still going strong...